Tales from the help desk...

[Keith_Fu]

I thought I would share with you some email exchanges with the people I work with on the absurd pleas of help I get sometimes...

[Keith_Fu]

Him: Any luck with my saved book wish list at bestbookdeal.com
[wanted me to find the books that he had saved in his shopping cart at a website]

Me: Yes, I am pretty sure that I emailed you --- did you try to log on and check?
[already emailed him and told him I needed to know if he was using IE or FF]

Him: It is not there, I log on.

Me: Are you using internet explorer or Firefox?

Him: I am not sure.
[I have told him how to check the last 2 times he has asked me to find his books...]
....

to be continued...

[Keith_Fu]

[Me to whole company after grueling 2 weeks of upgrading and replacing the entire phone system hell]

Me to all: Some of you have had problems with our new phone system. Unfortunately, an undertaking this large is virtually impossible to implement without minor kinks. I am collecting a punch list for the phone company now, so please tell me if you are experiencing any problems. Try to be as detailed as possible.

[no one responds in email, but after getting all the voice mail boxes re-connected and all the extensions sorted out, they still are generally complaining to me verbally that everything is slightly different, like the amount of pause between the button presses and the tone, and other completely non-important issues like that]

Me to all: The technician is here now. If you have not told me about your phone problems I will assume that your phone works perfectly

My Boss: This phone is heavier than my old one-why?

[BestInShowChris]

My Boss: This phone is heavier than my old one-why?

Have you been using larger words than usual when speaking on it lately? They could be weighing down the unit.

[Keith_Fu]

My Boss: This phone is heavier than my old one-why?

Have you been using larger words than usual when speaking on it lately? They could be weighing down the unit.

nice- I had one million and one other comebacks for this asinine question, many of them were certainly not fit for polite company. If it was anyone else but my boss they probably would have heard some of the better ones.

I never replied to that email, but once in a while I trot it out on occasions like this to marvel at what planet these people live on....

[Keith_Fu]

Him: Any luck with my saved book wish list at bestbookdeal.com
[wanted me to find the books that he had saved in his shopping cart at a website]

Me: Yes, I am pretty sure that I emailed you --- did you try to log on and check?
[already emailed him and told him I needed to know if he was using IE or FF]

Him: It is not there, I log on.

Me: Are you using internet explorer or Firefox?

Him: I am not sure.
[I have told him how to check the last 2 times he has asked me to find his books...]
....

to be continued...

[so after a couple of red herrings, I finally log onto his old computer where he had made the shopping list and found, i am not sh*ting you, ALL 700 of the books that he had saved in his cart. Luckily, the site has a link that you can forward to others to view the cart. I send that to him]

Me: Try that link and let me know if that is what you want

Him: Great, works, how can I copy this to wish list of current web site.

Me: I have no idea.
[yes, I get to do this when I run out of patience. It's a nice perk.]

[BestInShowBrian]

Me: I have no idea.
[yes, I get to do this when I run out of patience. It's a nice perk.]

I remember when that used to be "Brian will help you with that".

[Keith_Fu]

Me: I have no idea.
[yes, I get to do this when I run out of patience. It's a nice perk.]

I remember when that used to be "Brian will help you with that".

oh yeah, those were the days. now somebody needs to skulk outside your apartment for hours before you will help them with their non-paying absurd computer issues.

[Keith_Fu]

New head accountant:

"Please set up my [accounting software] for pdf like [employee #1] and [employee #2]. I currently have to go to the plotter room everytime I need to send things via email."

Solution:

She did not know you can/ have to specify adobe pdf as print device to make PDF's.

She was printing all her reports (hundreds of pages) on her personal printer, walking to the copy room, scanning all of them on the copier and then emailing herself.

...and then printing the PDF’s again if she needed a copy.

....for the 3 months that she’s been here.

...and all the while getting mad that I didn’t “give her” the button to make PDF’s, when that button she saw on the other employees' computers was actually “DBF” – export database, which she did have, just like employees #1 and #2.

[Keith_Fu]

sorry, I didn't realize that this was so popular so I haven't been updating this in a while. But also between losing about 66% of our staff in the last year and a half and really just keeping everything pretty much status quo there really hasn't been much going on.

but I did dig through my stash of saved emails and I'll try to post some of the more juicy ones, and one of the better events is this ongoing saga of our company's perpetually redesigned logo and our email signature.

I have also worn a graphic designer hat at my company when I first started because I knew Photoshop and InDesign, when no one else knew anything at all about desktop publishing. that and the fact that I was the IT guy made me somehow responsible for how the company email signature looked for a very long time, which thankfully has ended late last year. and it is especially ridiculous because my boss is obsessed with how things look, when what she wanted really could not be done and anytime anyone sent her an email that deviated whatsoever from how it was "supposed" to look like she would forward it to me and demand that it be fixed

Add to that she re-designed the logo and branding maybe 2 or 3 times in 2 years and every time she did I would be responsible for policing everyone to have the exact same email signature, when they couldn't give a flying f*ck or couldn't follow the directions to get out of a paper bag, much hilarity ensued...

here are some of the latest ones from this ongoing saga:

Email #1

Boss: Please look at both (Employee #1) and my “Company Name”. Hers is not correct: the “(2nd word of Company's name)” is too heavy. This is now the 2nd I’ve sent you that doesn’t match (Employee #2). Please please resolve this because it looks sloppy to the outside world. (Employee #1) and I both send e-mails to the same client.

Please let me know how the implementation of this will be fixed.

And yes, I know, that this is a detail but I am a designer and these things are very very important to me. (Boss's initial)

Email#2

Boss:

(Employee #1)'s signature looks totally different in spacing from (Employee #2)’s, which I thought was the standard.

Email#3

Me to Boss and Marketing Director who insisted that we include the web address of our company, which I told them not to include, as well as all the special formatting for signature, which I finally figured out why was so bad:

"The web address of http://www.company'swebsite.com is causing Outlook to interfere with the format and change the signature automatically. I will see if anything can be done."

I found out that no, nothing could be done because having elaborate graphics and formatting and a web address in an HTML email and expect it to look the same no matter where it goes is pretty damn stupid.

Result of above email: Nothing. Web address must stay in. You must still make the thing that breaks the signature not break the signature. Please change the way the internet works.

Email #4:

Boss:

"The font on the (second word in Company's Name) in (Employee #1)’s signature is incorrect. If you are asking each individual to do this, can you please ask them all to send you an e-m so that you can check that it has been done correctly? Thanks. (Boss's Initial)"


Email #5

Boss: (after the 3rd re-design of the logo)

"The graphics of the new e-mail signature has been bothering me and I just looked up the old one. The graphics(not the logo) are very different from the prior one. The original has an elegance that the new one does not. The lines of information are stacked too closely and are too crowded, the text of signature and “Company Name…” are too close together, the actual person’s name is now in bold, and the color is different.

I know you are all shaking your heads, but it doesn’t look elegant. Lets review. I know people will have to re-do it, but it is important to me."